As you can tell by my description of my feelings toward facing the day, I am not always happy. In fact, it's difficult for me to feel happiness. Most of the time, I am down about life, myself, or basically anything. Sometimes, guilt clutches at my throat, inhibiting my brain from oxygen, until my subconscious takes over--taking me into a long sleep. I know I shouldn't be so unhappy--I am incredibly foruntate to have a caring family and family, money, looks and an education. Maybe it's just how I'm wired…to be usually unhappy…or maybe it's just me not wanting to face the world…
But anyways, there were three moments in my life, where I can say I wasn't that unhappy goth chick, but a vibrant, sunshine-yellow chick. So…here it goes….
3 Moments of Happiness
1) Christmas in Lake Tahoe 2010
That Christmas, I spent it with mom, sister, Julia, brother, Kobe, aunt, her second husband, Nick two kids, Greg and Grant, and three step kids, Jack, Izzy, and Oscar. We all stayed at my aunt's vacation home in Lake Tahoe. We spent a week skiing at Squaw Valley, eating delicious food, getting ready for Christmas to arrive, and just spending quality time with one another. We all really connected, and I felt happy and satisfied for once. I didn't want to leave by the end of it. I remember coming home and crying my sorrows away.
2) UCLA Summer School 2012
Last summer, I attended UCLA Summer school. I took a Advanced Painting and Advanced Drawing. I became infatuated with the painting class because one, I felt incredibly inspired, and two, there was a guy that I liked in the class. But anyways, I would go to the painting class from 9am to 5pm everyday for six weeks. I painted like I never have before. I loved creating and being praised for my work by my teachers. I felt like it was a place I belonged.
3) Korea Summer 2013
Finally, the last moment of happiness belongs to my time spend in Korea this past summer. I studied Korean and Korean Cinema at Yonsei University for six weeks. While I can admit that I did not enjoy the first two weeks--I got sick, my stomach was adjusting to Korean cuisine and I was in the process of making friends--I enjoyed the rest of the trip. Actually, I extended my stay an extra week because I didn't want to leave yet! One part of why I loved Korea was because I felt like I had finally made some close friends. Before Korea, I had a few close friends, but not a group of 30 people I could rely on. It was so easy to make friends there. In addition, another reason why I loved Korea was because I finally felt free. At USC, I feel confined by my surroundings--I am too close to home and the environment around USC is not the best. But in Korea, I had independence, no longer could I rely on my parents, but I had to rely on myself to get around and meet new people. Furthermore, another reason why Korea was important to me was because I got a glimpse into my culture. Prior to Korea, I shunned my culture. I remember telling my mom, "I don't want to go to Korea! I hate Koreans!" And the reason I hated Korea so much was because I had a Korean hairdresser that would always cut my hair too short…so because I hated her, therefore, in my crazy illogical mind, I hated all Koreans. But seeing my culture, the ways of Koreans and where I come from was interesting to me. It breathed into my body the essence of what I had been missing from growing up in extremely white neighborhoods. Lastly, probably the biggest reason why I felt so much happiness from living in Korea is due to the fact that I met Alex. I remember meeting him for the first time at my friend, Sam's apartment. I had just drank a couple of shots of Soju and quite drunk. I walked out of Sam's bedroom and a guy to my right says, "Hey" to me. We start conversing. I can feel the Asian glow radiating from my cheeks, but my mind is still working and telling me this guy is cute. I just remember I liked his style and height. But that whole night, we were together. Anyways, from that night on I spend so much time with him. I found out that he was similar to me in the fact that we're both reserved, both think about things the same way, etc… At the end of the day, he made me so happy. After our six weeks together, he took me to the airport, and I didn't want to leave, and my eyes dripped, as I didn't want to leave my happiness again.
So, those were my 3 moments of happiness. I know, 3 is not a lot, but at least it's a start. I'm only 19 years old, and I have hopefully many years ahead of me to find more moments. Just by writing these moments down I have realized that what makes me happy is when I feel accepted and cared for by others.. I guess what I really need to be happy is strong social connects and love, not a powerful job or lots of money. I mean materialistic things and power is nice, but at the end of the day, it's not the core substance attributing to my happiness...
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